I just paid 60 billion to divorce a woman I had an open marriage with. While that might seem ridiculous to most, you have no idea how much we annoyed each other.
She hated my geeky little laugh, and I could tell she hated it. Sometimes, after sex, she would just stare at me with glaring disdain.
For her part, she never ran out of ways to be a “philanthropist” with my money. I was like Melinda, honey, could you just turn it off for one minute, and she slapped me for being so insensitive to the oppression of others. I would have slapped her back, or had one of my goons do it, since I’m not 100% sure I could take her, but times have changed. These same goons who helped me amass my billions in the 90s are now considered to be “problematic.”
My advice for wealthy men and women is to have ironclad prenups, or better yet, just stick to prostitutes.
We did get along in the beginning, and I partially blame the pandemic. It’s difficult to be stuck in the same dozen enormous mansions with anyone for over a year. At the end, we were taking separate private jets, which is not a good look for climate advocates.
I guess it’s back to video games, Cheetos, and prostitutes for me. I did have Microsoft build a decent-looking sex robot, but it runs on Windows, so you know how that goes. When is Apple or Sony finally going to put out?
Of all your evil deeds — the microchips in vaccines, the murdered hookers, the lobbying to repeal antitrust laws — it’s Windows Vista that is most responsible for your damnation to Hell. Bing is frustrating, but it’s mostly just a bad joke that can easily be ignored. Windows Vista was so infuriating that it almost caused me to start the Apocalypse early. I threw my computer out the window, and it fell all the way to Earth, where it clobbered Michael Jackson, killing him instantly. I know Vista was released in 2007 and Jacko didn’t die until 2009, but time works differently in Heaven. We still don’t have Windows 10 here, even though I’ve been running Windows 3000 on my machine for 60 years and it won’t be invented on Earth for another 979. It’s confusing, I know. Anyway, the only reason the Apocalypse didn’t happen in 2009 is I was busy making Jackson’s death look like an overdose and framing him for pedophilia so everyone would be glad he was dead and stop asking so many questions. I sure could have used some of your $190 billion to pay off the media. Maybe I should have married and divorced you.
Maybe I still can. I’ll tell you one thing, though — God ain’t gonna sign no prenup.
I know the real reason you’re leaving Melinda. Everyone does. It’s obvious that, even though you’re a total dweeb and have a three-inch cock, you think you can do better. In theory, you’re right. The problem is that the only people willing to see you naked are prostitutes and other women exactly like Melinda. Sure, you could find a hotter version of her, but it won’t solve the “annoying” problem. For this reason, I suggest you take your own advice and stick to the professionals. All of my best friends on Earth are hookers, so if you need any recommendations, just ask.
— Jesus Christ
Historically, politicians have always been my favorite souls to torture, but I’m starting to get excited about billionaire tech assholes. So far, only one of you has died, and it’s been a total blast. I’m talking, of course, about Steve Jobs. While the rest of you were making a show of your generous philanthropy, Jobs just gobbled up money without any pretense of being a decent human being. Then we’re all supposed to cry when he gets cancer? He got two movies made about him, and nobody saw either one of them. How many do you think you’ll get? More importantly, who do you think will play you? My money is on Karan Soni, the cab driver from Deadpool. Yeah, he’s Indian, but, you know… diversity or whatever.
Incidentally, Steve Jobs will be involved in your eternal torment once you get here. He’s going to crush your dick in a Powerbook and cram iPhones up your ass. The worst part will be that Siri will keep talking to you even when the phones are inside you, and she’ll constantly be giving you inaccurate traffic reports that cause you to be late for work at the sulfuric acid tasting plant. Eventually, I’ll have to fire you and send you to toil in one of Steve’s sweatshops or Bezos’s warehouses, which are pretty much the same in Hell as they are on Earth, minus the innocent children.
Remember Clippy? Well, I took a survey of disgruntled Windows Vista users, and they all agree that the former Microsoft Word mascot should also be a part of your punishment. I haven’t committed to how exactly, but I’ll tell you one thing. Vomiting up thousands of rusty paperclips is extremely unpleasant, especially after they’ve gone in the other way.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.