By H. Seitz and R.K. Galaga
Photo by Marc Nozell (cropped)
Do you think I could pass for a house elf like Dobby from the Harry Potter books? God how I love those books, and I need them now more than ever.
Thank God that at least Trump stood up for me, and he’s right. This entire thing is so unfair, just like everything that ever goes wrong for me.
The FBI warned me about Russian interference in the 2020 presidential election, and of course I ignored them because they’re a part of the deep state. Then they warned me again and I ignored them again. And then suddenly, out of the blue, they’re raiding my home? Seems kind of suspicious if you ask me.
The last time I checked, the President is more powerful than the FBI. Or at least he’s supposed to be. He tells me to jump off a bridge or go to Ukraine to help smear Biden, I do it. And what does the FBI know about “disinformation” anyway? Do they think I’m some kind of stooge?
I’ve been so upset by all of this that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I forgot whether I’m an elf, an Italian, or a Jew, and none of those groups want anything to do with me. That’s the real racism in America, elfism. Against rich white guys.
My one request is that I go with Trump, to heaven or hell or wherever. When you’re a demented, paranoid elf, the one thing you need is a loud voice to obey, no matter how crazy or stupid that voice may seem. And after all, didn’t you tell some guy to murder his kids? And of course he was totally willing to do it, which somehow exonerated him in the end?
If you don’t get me out of this mess and into heaven, I think it makes you kind of a hypocrite. But I’d still be happy to kiss your ass forever.
Thank you in advance,
Former House Elf of NYC
If murdering your kids would get you exonerated, don’t you think Eric Trump would be dead by now? The problem with ghouls like you and Trump is you’re so narcissistic that killing your own children isn’t even a difficult choice. Trump would kill Eric to get out of jury duty. Not that he’d ever be summoned. Can you imagine Trump sitting on a jury?
What people don’t realize is that whole thing with Abraham was meant to be a joke. At first, I thought the problem was that he just didn’t have a sense of humor, but the truth is he hated his son Isaac and was looking for an excuse to kill him. Apparently, there was some Oedipal stuff happening between Isaac and Sarai (big surprise, right?) and ole’ Abe was pretty jealous. In retrospect, it was irresponsible for me to fan those flames, but telling jokes was a new art form in those days, and I hadn’t quite learned where to draw the line. Honestly, most of the crazy shit that happened in the Old Testament was just Me horsing around, then when the jokes didn’t get a laugh, I just pretended I was being serious. A good example is the thing with Lot’s wife. When I was writing it, the idea of turning someone into salt seemed hilarious, but in practice, it was fucking gruesome. Now, “salting” is my go-to punishment.
Anyway, my point is egomaniacs have always been willing to sacrifice their children to save themselves. It was amusing at first, but I’m kinda over it, and it was never meant to be a path to redemption or a way to demonstrate loyalty. That being said, if Trump ever asks you to murder any of his sons for him, you might as well just do it. You’re all going to Hell anyway.
— Jesus Christ
It’s time to untether yourself from Donald Trump because he has absolutely no respect for you. You let him treat you like Renfield even though you’re actually the vampire, which is pretty embarrassing. Wouldn’t you prefer to feast on a nice plump human instead of those nasty bugs he’s always feeding you? Of course, you would.
As an undead person, it’s both your privilege and curse to roam the Earth until the end of time. The curse part is that you have to do it in that nasty body. If only you had made your deal with me before you turned 80 or however old you are. I don’t mean to rub it in, but not all Vampires look like Max Sheck. Some look like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt. Actually, most draculas are handsome, if you think about it. Not you, though. Anyway, eternal life has to be less fun when women are always turning away from you in horror. What I’m getting at here is you might as well stake yourself and be done with it. Trust me, Hell is no worse than what you’re experiencing up there. I’m really excited to show you this cool glass coffin I made for you to sleep in. Why is it made of glass? Because one of your tortures will be that Chris Christie will be sleeping on top of it so you can’t get out. He will be naked and covered with boils, and will often have explosive diarrhea.
P.S. I forgot to mention that the coffin is going to have holes in it so Christie’s bodily fluids can seep into it. Fun!
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.