Barrels

The “garbage” Leon had stuck us with came in ugly 40 gallon industrial strength yellow barrels, and they were unbelievably heavy. The Duggans and I had dragged Hector into it just to see if he could lift one.

“That had to weigh close to 800 pounds, and there’s not much in there. And whatever it is, it’s liquid. Most of the barrel is just casing, you’d be able to tell if you could lift one alone.”

Hector looked happier than he had in a long time. Some might say it feels good to be the biggest and strongest and…

What a waste

Opening my mailbox earlier today, as usual, it was nothing but junk mail.

I immediately dumped it into the recycling bin, which was loaded with the same junk mail for other people in my building.

I still get mail for people who haven’t lived here in at least 20 years. Half of them are probably dead, and they’re still receiving junk mail.

When I first started my job in financial printing, a coworker told me it’s a great job if you hate the environment. …

“As he watched, the schools of fish began to notice him and swarm around him. In a flash, he realized that they were his children, and that they had come to devour him. He woke up saddened, because he knew that he could never have children. He would never know the pleasure of being devoured for a greater purpose.”

Leon finished with a strange smile as he looked off at nothing. The dopey Sweeney sisters gawked at him in amazed admiration. The Duggans exchanged a conspiratorial glance. They had a theory that the Sweeney sisters had murdered their parents to…

The Skull Island Times > Divine Advice > Divine Advice For Ben Shapiro

Original photo by Gage Skidmore (cropped)

H. Seitz April 11, 2021 0 Divine Advice Anthony Hopkins, Ben Shapiro, Boris Johnson, Charlottesville, Koch Brothers, Mitch McConnell, Piers Morgan, Rush Limbaugh, Sir Ian McKellen, Spice Girls

Dear DA,

Let’s dish. First of all, I don’t believe in 90% of the crap I spout. I’m just not talented or smart enough to do anything else. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I guess you could say I turned to the darkside. …

Our upstate run proceeded relatively uneventfully for the next couple of weeks. As we had little to do compared with the others, Phil and I spent most of our time getting drunk together behind my tent. Despite his never-ending ordeal of dealing with garbage, Garbageman Mike managed to join us almost every night. On our last night, he showed up around midnight with a strangely satisfied look on his face. It was the satisfaction of being right, as opposed to the satisfaction of being happy.

“Well, I thought we could get through one shitburg without it happening, that’s what good…

Roger

It’s creepy to be alone around caged animals. They pay more attention to you, they ask you with their eyes to please be let out, and a part of you wants to do it. But another more rational part of the mind is terrified of this freedom, particularly in regard to carnivores like Roger. I have no idea if it’s true and I’d never try it out of anything other than necessity, but I read somewhere that if a large cat is about to attack you, you can hold it in thrall by gazing into its eyes. Unfortunately, the…

I can’t recall why, but I was stuck late at high school during a blizzard. By the time I left, all the busses were gone, and my usual route home, through a path across a patch of forest, was impossible. There was at least three feet of snow on the ground.

My only choice was to take the driveway out of the school and use the roads, which were being plowed and salted hourly. It added about a mile to my trip, but I figured it was easier than trudging through the snow. …