Dear DA,

I just paid 60 billion to divorce a woman I had an open marriage with. While that might seem ridiculous to most, you have no idea how much we annoyed each other.

She hated my geeky little laugh, and I could tell she hated it. Sometimes, after sex, she would just stare at me with glaring disdain.

For her part, she never ran out of ways to be a “philanthropist” with my money. I was like Melinda, honey, could you just turn it off for one minute, and she slapped me for being so insensitive to the oppression…

The Woods

After a few days of wandering around aimlessly in the woods I came to a small stream by an abandoned cabin. I sat down to drink and nibble on some branches when I heard the door creak open.

“Scotty? Nice outfit.”

Phil was referring to the tunic Lulu had made for me out of some bedding her bees had salvaged from the wreck. That and the ridiculous sunglasses she had lent me.

“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you all week.”

I felt for my phone and realized I’d left it at Lulu’s.

“Phone must…

Real compassion

Have you ever been a teacher?

Did you ever become angry at a student for turning in sloppy work, or at a spouse or child for leaving their dirty laundry everywhere?

If you still have a job, even if it’s a shitty one, do you still find yourself becoming impatient with lazy coworkers, because they’re not just “screwing the man,” they’re also screwing you?

Compassion shows in our work, when a student turns in a neatly typed paper, or your husband (it’s usually the husband) cleans up after himself, or a coworker goes the extra mile not to…

Detachment

Despite our relative detachment from life outside the hive we had managed to figure out a few things. Most of the grounds crew were permanently dead in the traditional sense. They had been riding on the roof despite my many warnings over the years. They said they did it to smoke, but they also ignored my warnings not to smoke inside the train. A cool crisp day on the roof was preferable to riding in the filth and stench of the quarters they were too lazy to ever clean. When disaster struck they were flung in all directions. Inertia…

Knowledge is a sin

Monkeys have a specific utterance, or warning, for “snake,” and fish, birds, and herd animals appear to recognize the warning signals of other species.

It is arguable that this signifies the beginning of language, without which there can be no transmission of knowledge or nuance.

Or more importantly in our case, no sense of narrative or sanity.

Life, when looked at objectively, is a primarily a series of random events. Did you really choose your spouse or college or which crotch you crawled from?

Our lives are stories that we tell ourselves in order to remain…

I woke up with a start. I had been dreaming. In the dream, I could see and feel them, Lulu, Leon, Phil, Garbageman Mike and the others, even some of the grounds crew. Lulu and Leon were clearer and brighter than the others, but behind and above them all was a malevolent pain and rage, the power of it throbbed behind my eyes. Instinctively I pushed it away and blocked it out. I did the same to the others and woke up.

The first thing I did was check for my wallet, cell phone, and keys. It was an automatic…

By H. Seitz and R.K. Galaga
Photo by Marc Nozell (cropped)

Dear DA,

Do you think I could pass for a house elf like Dobby from the Harry Potter books? God how I love those books, and I need them now more than ever.

Thank God that at least Trump stood up for me, and he’s right. This entire thing is so unfair, just like everything that ever goes wrong for me.

The FBI warned me about Russian interference in the 2020 presidential election, and of course I ignored them because they’re a part of the deep state. Then they…

The war on drugs is an ongoing disaster in just about every way conceivable. Not only is it costly and ineffective, it also perpetuates legislation that targets the poor, minorities, and the mentally ill, and is responsible for the plurality of crime in the US.

If you are not a drug dealer or friends with a drug dealer, your chances of being murdered with a handgun drop to a statistical zero.

People have been using drugs, gambling, and exchanging sex for goods and services since the dawn of time, and unlike rape, murder, and other inevitabilities, there is mutual demand…